When a Player Tires of the Game

Geplaatst op 25-04-2024

Categorie: Lifestyle

Hopless (sic) Romantic Paul writes:

Going to make a long story short, but I am a 29 year old attractive male who has the “Player” stigma from the people that surround me due to my old days. I have fallen in love with a friend who shows me all the signs that she likes me as well, but WILL NOT DATE ME. She never gives me a straight forward answer on why. I think of her night and day for the last 7-8 months, although it does not hinder my day to day life, it still makes me sad.I am not one to use the word love loosely, matter of fact this is the first person I have ever used it towards, my friends will tell me it is because I cant have her, I PROMISE that is not the case. What do I do?

P.S. She has currently started “Talking” to someone, but is not official. I saw her on the 24th and the intense chemistry is there still, flirtation was crazy.


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It’s not at all unusual for me to receive emails like this one – the player is troubled because he cannot win the only girl he really wants. Let me point out the things that jump out at me right away, both in this message, and in most others like it.

  1. No man with a history of strictly casual sex may call himself a romantic, “hopless” or otherwise.
  2. Paul claims his reputation is unfair – not due to his own past behavior as a Player, but is the fault of his old friends.

This is a typical narcissistic/sociopathic attitude – it’s not him that is the problem, it’s those who revealed his true nature.

  1. The woman has turned him down repeatedly, but she “never” gives a straight answer.

She may find Paul physically attractive, but wants nothing to do with a man whose entire sexual history is casual and meaningless. If they work or socialize together, she is unlikely to call him out as a douchebag.

She also may well enjoy the attention he gives her – having a player feeling lovesick over you has a way of putting a spring in your step. 

  1. Paul is so sad, but fortunately this does not hinder his day to day life in any way.

Perhaps Paul continues to date or sleep with other women? Or goes about his business with a smile on his face? That doesn’t sound like a man who has been rejected by his true love.

  1. At 29, Paul the Player has never loved a woman, despite many opportunities.
  2. Paul’s friends, who know him well, believe Paul is only interested in the conquest.

Paul promises that is not the case. But Paul has a history of seeking conquests and avoiding emotional intimacy.

“What do I do?”

My advice to Paul:

  1. Give up on this girl. She’s made a decision and firmly held her position over time.
  2. Accept that the women you want to date have different mating criteria than the women you have casual sex with. They have superior character, and seek men with superior character.
  3. Choose which women you wish to pursue.

If 20% of women choosing no-strings sex: No problem at all.

If 80% of women restricted to relationship sex: Requires ditching shady pals and very unlikely reform. Alternatively, ditch friends and reinvent yourself via lies and subterfuge. That should come easy, but wandering into the sexual desert may be a trial.

Why don’t I believe Paul (or any player) can really change?

Evolutionary biologist David Buss has described the player as using an “exploitative mating strategy,” which he defines:

“An exploitative mating strategy is defined as an adaptive strategy to get sex when a cooperative strategy is deemed unreliable. Cooperative mating strategies are exemplified by mutual interest and consent. There are two primary reasons why males might employ exploitation tactics:

  1. The female does not want to have sex, while the man does.
  2. The female wants a relationship, while the man wants casual sex.”

Buss implies that men who rely on exploitative mating strategies are either unwilling or unable to secure cooperative mating arrangements:

“When a man does not have a committed relationship that could be jeopardized by exploitative short-term mating, possesses low levels of agreeableness, and has a greater orientation toward uncommitted sex, the synergy of these individual differences may activate an exploitative short-term mating strategy.”

Aside from the parsing of Paul’s email, let’s consider that Paul has been a player from the start. That’s at least 10+ years of sex without love, respect or empathy:

In other words, Paul may have been born a player or made a player, but a player he is and a player he will remain.

I wonder if Paul learned about HUS from the women he’s in love with. 

Smart girl. Have you ever had a Player beg you to believe in him? Did you?